defining moments

lion - a person of great strength, courage, importance, charm, and influence; who is much admired
anyway friend - the one person in your life who, no matter what they say or do, no matter what they’ve been through with you, they love you anyway
persevere- to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly
survivor - a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks

someday i will...

get my pilots license, and go to see all the amazing places beyond belief. start a ministry unlike any ministry before. change the world. write a book. have my house filled with flowers constantly, just the way i always wanted. be an incredible mom, but not in the traditional way. be apart of an amazing charity, or even start my own. speak to others and teach them how to do the same. feel beautiful in my skin, exactly as i am. become an amazing chef. be in love with someone who completely adores me and loves the me that i love. prove that nice people do not in fact finish last, and no it's not just guys. tell the world my story, and create an impact. accomplish more things than i could ever make a list of. let go of the control completely and fully. be able to not take it so personally. prove them all wrong...while at the same time not caring about proving anyone wrong...because i know what i can do, and that's all i need. use what i know, instead of overreacting. own my cute little girlie dog that i always wanted. know that people do see my aura and it is all around me, always...despite what i might think. have a room in my house just for wrapping gifts, and everything that comes with it, because i absolutely adore everything that has to do with holidays and the presentation of a gift, it is almost half the present! show my relationships the love, care, and appreciation today...because i know tomorrow is never guaranteed. rest assured because people will not have to question me, they will just know. live my life knowing that what happens was never up to me in the first place. love the only way i know how, but without worrying about the consequences. capture your heart and know i have it for sure. inspire others to know their purpose...it is so freeing when you do. have my day, i can feel it. realize that even though i'm not beauty queen, it's ok because i'm still beautiful me. win a golf tournament. know that what others say is true...but i realize it more everyday. know that you hear my soul speak, and I will see that you realize it. i will be able to forgive you for denying me at least the chance to do what i believe is right, because you will have realized the consequences for you are much worse.  

today i...

took my own advice. realized i don't have to prove myself to anyone...i am stunning as is. finally let go of a past relationship, knowing that i taught him how to love, and he gave me a reason to live for myself. let myself become a better lover. had the opportunity to impact a soul, that i thought to be untouchable. stood up for what i believe in, and took the criticism that came along with it, and i survived. smiled without thinking. stood back, took time, and watched my amazing life in all it's glory. admitted i am blessed beyond measure. planted a seed in a soul, and can't wait to see it grow. watched someone fall in love. shared my story with someone, and with that, put a smile on their face. had someone believe in me. experienced the love of a true friend, who ultimately is someone who watches over me. received the compliment of a lifetime...which in turn reconfirmed my place in this world. faced the idea of letting go. see that the path is becoming clearer. experienced a love that until now, was unknown to my heart. saw my future. am trying something brand spankin new! firmly believing that without experiencing the bad...we wouldn't know just how good, good really is. sucked it up, and lived a little without over analyzing. did it, finally achieved the first one of the many impossibles in life... realized my next impossible to make possible had been staring smack in the face. used one of my true gifts...and was left in awe. was broken down again...after all that i did...but left things knowing it will only make me stronger than before. gained my strength back ten fold. grew leaps and bounds. saw myself in the eyes of others, in a way i'd never seen before. am as always,so very thankful for all of you. stood up 8. am thinking about how i used to define "making it" in the world by having a true hollywood story made after me...now if i touch one soul, change one life, inspire one person...i have made it. had to be the bigger person. was proud of a friend, like momma proud, a kind of proud i had never felt before...it changed my world. watched the Lord work in my life right before my very eyes. love you...i've loved you all along. had my spirits broken, or so i thought. am taking joy in every moment...because to have just one moment is pure joy. just know. am impressed, you never fail to amaze me. will stop complaining, because i am truly blessed, i also realized what would've been was a shame, and i hoped for more. had a first...and that is almost a first in itself. know exactly who i am, i just need to be comfortable with others knowing exactly who i am. just had a plain and simple fabulous day, the kind of day that makes you really just stop and enjoy life...a reminder of how good life really is. have to make a few big girl decisions...really big girl. had a conversation with the most amazing person...and saw them in a completely different light. am asking for it to hit home. absolutely positively know what life is all about, and i adore it! know one thing for sure...life is not about what you have, it is about what you have to give. will celebrate another birthday with family and friends...and i will see the meaning of age is just a number come to life. saw the most amazing family, and they weren't even related. got what was unexpected, and realized sometimes unexpected can be truly breathtaking. was asked a life changing question, and it felt good. got the excitement of living life again! will make a change...for the better. became one step closer to being comfortable in my own skin. must evaluate things. must decipher true happiness, or just plain want. saw doubt in me from someone else...yet again...but it only makes me a step closer to where i need to be. was told i was an inspiration, a personal hero...that means more to me than they will ever know. had a shoulder to lean on...even from tons of miles away...and it truly was one of the best shoulders i could've ever asked for. found another believer, without even saying a word. let self doubt get the best of me, in the worst way possible. am sure, even more than i was before. will not step down. met someone for the first time...but have known them forever. know who i am, i am sure of who i am, and you will not put doubt in my mind. am fearless. am lonely...truly lonely. am accomplished...i learned and gained a lot in one day. am very very content, more so than in a long time. got unexpected advice, and was blown away by what i learned, and couldn't be more happy that it was brought into my life. found out that i still have ALOT of living that i need to do. had something happen to me that i will never forget. got a message, one i have been waiting for for a long time. learned that someone admired me, when i am the one who should be admiring them. learned WAY more from failure and it's worth it. am wishing for the three that love me no matter what. left pride behind, and took a chance, and i was surprised. didn't do what i was supposed to do, but was pleasantly surprised. am rethinking a few things. will put it aside, and move on. came to a new place...for good. am planning for tomorrow, and it will be a new day. say you are no longer it. saw the day i'd never thought i would see. realized that some things i thought that were, weren't. smiled because of you...even though it only lasted a while...it was the kind of smile that came from the soul. was truly happy...even if it was just for a brief while, it was true happiness. saw myself....better than ever. felt you made me visit things i would've rather not...but it only made me thrive. need more from you, and i will from now on. know that sometimes you just gotta have faith, true,genuine faith. am doing some good in the world...putting that positive vibe out there. have no words. doing what I do best, with a smile on my face. know when everything falls apart, you're the only hope for this heart. am accepting hardships as the pathways to peace. am damaged at best. try my best to stay guarded, but am an open book instead. shot, and it was dead on, right through your heart...and now i sit and think maybe it's more than that. talked with someone from my past, and realized maybe i was wrong. know that even the greatest of survivors get tired of having to survive. am carrying a cross, and it's okay because God will not give me a cross i cannot carry. saw my prayers get answered...without even uttering a single word. am letting go, i did all i could and it was not meant to be at this time...everything happens for a reason. know that the more you give, the more you possess. know that i don't need easy, i just need possible. saved a life...which in turn saved mine. am ever surviving. wondering when you will learn. asked for my sign, got it...and there it was. know that it's rare to meet someone and have your world changed just because of that one encounter, but if it happens to you, you do everything in your power to keep them there because the loss could be damaging. know that there is much to be said about the courage it takes to go after what you want...for it is often seen as a sign of weakness for those that don't, for their reward will be the plague of ever wondering if they will be eternally missing out and knowing they settled out of fear. know that you should never give something up that you can't go a day without thinking about it. was called doc and it felt good. only miss you when i'm breathing. am giving up control, because the control was never mine to begin with. know that you will be back...and it will be the last time. love you...like deep rooted in my heart and soul love you. have thoughts that i never had before. know you don't own my soul anymore, and you never will again...it's on my terms from now on. realized i always thought you were the one that got away, but really i a the one that got away...and I always will be. have exceeded the wildest dreams, and conquered some of my goals that were said to be impossible. saw the unexpected come around again. and then the unexpected became the typical....to be continued. i got asked for my autograph...to be put next to the greats, only hope the greatness rubs off on me. am on the upslope I can feel it...all the things I want will come to me I can feel it in my bones. i've loved you for a 1000 years and i will love you for 1000 more. i want my person to know, i surrender to you, whole heartedly, completely, unconditionally, jobs, commitments, hobbies, life comes and goes, but relationships trump all, and the one with you is a once in a lifetime, so i'm sorry, i love you, and i always will.  

better left unsaid...but true

you changed me, and i am still trying to figure it out. unattached is not me, but it helps me deal. i am starting to wonder if the thing i swore i would never do again is exactly what i am doing. you are at your best when no one is watching. we don't talk anymore because it still hurts. that could have been me...and not just once. sometimes i wish you were so much more. i need you here, and it's sad that you are gone. i wish i knew you like i am supposed to. i wonder constantly when will your day come, and will i even know when it does. why does the one thing that is constant throughout every one's life, always make me evaluate mine. i wish you tried to understand me better. you mean more to me than you will every know. why i am so weak towards you. why do i base my success on that. when it comes to lists, mine is always shorter when it should be much longer. i wish i could. you amaze me like i never thought you would. you give me false hope, and i fall for it every time. you don't know me at all...when you should know me the best. i love you, and i miss you, and you will always be a part of me. i wish that you could give me all of you, without me giving up all of me. you were, and i still think you are...but i have no clue why. i keep waiting on you patiently, but you keep moving on without me, impatiently. i will be the everything in a life, but maybe not yours...and you won't notice till i am gone. what i truly want can never be bought. i love you. there's once in a lifetime, and there's once in a while...and the difference between the two is about a million miles...guess what, i am the once in a lifetime. you won't feel better at my expense. i will wait, understand, smile, and do the right thing. as i always do, and you always expect. to my personal miracle, when you see love, run and catch it as fast as you can...before it slips away out of your line of site. second chances are rare, don't make the same mistake twice. sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't mean you love them any less. sometimes it makes you love them even more. you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move, your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on water too. our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch. it's too bad you can't give me a second of your time when it seems like I have give you a lifetime of mine. you are out looking for something you already have found. when it comes to matters of the heart...listen close, because it whispers softly...but never deny it. it's interesting...you get paid to make life and death decisions, yet you still wouldn't know what to do in real life if you paid someone to help you. you will be wrong, and as always, i won't say i told you so. and then the light from the darkness. sorry does not fix it...never did, never will...and even though it's not my style...i told you so. sometimes i am wrong, and sometimes being wrong is the best thing that could've happened. you living without consequence will surely change and when it does...hold on for dear life. if i treated you like you treat me, you would hate me. you make me feel the worst i've ever felt and the best i've ever felt.... you do it every time, and every time i let you. it's not about if she's hot it's about if she stays hot. i know that even though you think you have found it, you will be wrong because you found it in me long ago...see you then. i can only hope I haunt your dreams ten times as much as you haunt mine, I have a feeling I already do. you used to say you were lucky to have me....now you think you can have me whenever you want. true colors will always show....no matter how much you try to paint over them in your mind. if I never hear from you again...it will be too soon. I used to think that the reason you treated me so poorly was because of my karma, but I can't wait till karma finds you...it will make your actions towards me look heavenly. you haunt my existence.
If you are absent during my struggle don't expect to be present during my success. glad to know you ruined my hope....but the memories will soon ruin yours. come back to me before i can't come back to you... april 12 2000. thought I lost but I didn't, flattering, but get your own life. you don't lose friends, but hopefully you lose the one's that are pretending to be.

don’t ever forget the natural highs in life...

falling in love, a special glance, getting mail, hearing your favorite song on the radio, listening to the rain outside, hot towels fresh out of the dryer, giggling, a good conversation, finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter, laughing at yourself, looking into their eyes and knowing they love you, midnight phone calls that last for hours, running through sprinklers, laughing for no reason at all, having someone tell you that you're beautiful, accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you, your first kiss, playing with a new puppy, sweet dreams, hot chocolate, road trips with friends, swinging on swings, making eye contact with a cute stranger, making chocolate chip cookies, holding hands, running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change, knowing that somebody misses you, knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think, meeting someone unexpected and have absolutely nothing short of a blessing happen, having smart be one of the best and most common words used to describe you...who knew?

if nothing else, realize this

just a reminder, cause sometimes we forget...

if you take away nothing else from my blog...please realize this,

the power of telling someone you believe in them...keep in mind there is no power behind this saying at all, unless you really do believe, but to tell someone you believe in them or what they are doing has a very powerful meaning, and it goes beyond anything that you or i or even the person that gets told can grasp, and i absolutely know for a fact that it is not said enough, not even close...my point being it's not so much the meaning behind the words i believe in you, but in fact the powers it holds for the one who is lucky enough to be told that someone believes in them. these words are magic to the soul, and isn't it nice to know that the little words i believe can change lives. so all i ask is that you do believe in someone and in something...tell that person and you have changed their life, i know this. it might seem like a small thing, but it really can change the world. and if you have never been told by someone that they believe in you, take the opportunity to believe in yourself, because there is no harder task, and in the end you are rewarded with remarkable strength, more than most. take it from someone who has spent her whole life trying to prove she deserves some one's belief, but having to believe in herself, and telling the rest of the world she believes in them...there is power in belief, use it

a little something i stumbled upon, with my own twist of course

i believe

that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

i believe

we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

i believe

that no matter how good a friend is, they are going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that, even when you think you can't.

i believe

that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for a lifetime, but you can also find ways to overcome anything.

i believe

that it will take a lifetime for me to become the person i want to be, and that's exactly how long it should take.

i believe

you should always, always, always, leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you are blessed to do so.

i believe

you should never be afraid to use the words love, and i love you, always mean it when you say it, but always say it when you feel it...if you wait to long, it will be too late.

i believe

that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

i believe

that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

i believe

heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences

i believe

that money is money, nothing more

i believe

that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

i believe

it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

i believe

that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

i believe

our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

i believe

that our lives can be changed in a heartbeat by people who don't even know you or by people that you don't even know.

i believe

that the people you care about most in life are always taken from you too soon, but never without reason.

i believe

it's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

do it anyway...

people are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered...forgive them anyway.
if you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives...be kind anyway.
if you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies...succeed anyway.
if you are honest and frank, people may cheat you...be honest and frank anyway.
what you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight...build anyway.
if you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous...be happy anyway.
the good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow...do good anyway.
give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough...give the world the best you've got anyway.
you see, in the final analysis, it only matters how you feel about the way you lived your life...it was never about them anyway.