ace in the hole...

who knew how gratifying it is to go from the range through 18 holes with just one tee could be. proving people wrong in golf...almost more rewarding than in life. there are few moments of pure joy in life, but, for me, chipping the ball up onto the green and into the hole is one of those moments.

on the lighter side of things...random thoughts that enter my head

although i absolutely love cartoons, sometimes i wonder...do i know what i am actually watching, i found myself watching a cartoon the other day called half naked animals...what the ? oddly enough, i couldn't bring myself to change it, i could not decide if i was intrigued or creeped out. either way, it got my attention.

from the ones that know who they are...

LU...better with every day. i always knew i would open up the paper one day and see you in there because you did something great. cause you are you...no one compares to you...no matter what. it is very rare to find someone that is as beautiful as she is, and someone that wants to give back also. she is the kind of gorgeous that makes a gay guy want to go straight. you have what it takes to get any one you want. be all that you can be and the guy that gets to tag along is blessed. you are awesome on your own...don't let anyone else be compared and take that away. ever since the day i met you always knew that your name would someday soon be well recognized. you have a gift, and you are truly an inspiration...it is truly insane and amazing that you are all that you are, you are special, and no one no way no how can ever take that away from you. you are one of the most naturally beautiful people i have ever met. it is not common to find a young lady that is so pretty, has a heart of gold, and is a hard worker like you...that is what makes you so very special...it is a blessing to know you. she can not be as pretty as you, you are absolutely beautiful. you would be perfect if you let yourself be. you are so beautiful and the best part is you have no clue. they are oblivious to not see what i've seen. you have an amazing smile, beautiful eyes, and those cute frekles. you got the whole package...your sweet...hard working and you seem to know what you want in life and your faith in God makes you desirable. you are a hot tottie. you are smart and beautiful. i see greatness in you. you have the heart of a servent leader. you are smart as hell and funny...you are much more than a pretty face. if i ever had the chance to have you, i would never let you go...never again. your personality is so addicting. i wanna date you so hard and marry the **** out of you. the world has to be pretty messed up for a girl like you to not be treated right. i like your assets, they are like bonus points to the rest of the package. you'll do big things...you have heart. in time all others will fall away...no one compares to you. your heart is your best feature, you always see love and believe and you fight battles for the good of everyone. she is the princess that slays her own dragon. those who leave a trail of glitter are not easily forgotten. because I inherently need you. I want to be around, just to be around you. no one else makes me feel that way.

lyrics of a lifetime...that sing to my soul

testing testing i'm just suggesting you and i might just be the best thing. everybody's waiting for you to break down, everybody's watching for the fall out...you've got something they don't. years and not one single, solitary word from you? you don't do that to someone you love! i deserve better, i deserve some correspondence of some indication of how you felt! i don't know what happened to you... but whatever it was... it couldn't have been as unbearable as a woman waitin' with no end in sight... wonderin if she's, remembered or forgotton by the man she loves... you never even said you were sorry... and now I'm supposed to just run into your arms and melt like butter on a hot muffin? looks like a girl, but she's a flame so bright, she can burn your eyes better look the other way you can try but you'll never forget her name she's on top of the world hottest of the hottest girls say. i lit a fire with the love you left behind, and it burned wild and crept up the mountainside followed your ashes into outer space i can't look out the window, i can't look at this place, i can't look at the stars, they make me wonder where you are stars, up on heaven's boulevard and if I know you at all, i know you've gone too far so I, I can't look at the stars. I can usually drink you right off of my mind but I miss you tonight I can normally push you right out of my heart but I'm too tired to fight yeah the whole thing begins and I let you sink into my veins and I feel the pain like it's new everything that we were, everything that you said, everything that I did and that I couldn't do plays through tonight. catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show...now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right.

defining moments

lion - a person of great strength, courage, importance, charm, and influence; who is much admired
anyway friend - the one person in your life who, no matter what they say or do, no matter what they’ve been through with you, they love you anyway
persevere- to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly
survivor - a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks

someday i will...

get my pilots license, and go to see all the amazing places beyond belief. start a ministry unlike any ministry before. change the world. write a book. have my house filled with flowers constantly, just the way i always wanted. be an incredible mom, but not in the traditional way. be apart of an amazing charity, or even start my own. speak to others and teach them how to do the same. feel beautiful in my skin, exactly as i am. become an amazing chef. be in love with someone who completely adores me and loves the me that i love. prove that nice people do not in fact finish last, and no it's not just guys. tell the world my story, and create an impact. accomplish more things than i could ever make a list of. let go of the control completely and fully. be able to not take it so personally. prove them all wrong...while at the same time not caring about proving anyone wrong...because i know what i can do, and that's all i need. use what i know, instead of overreacting. own my cute little girlie dog that i always wanted. know that people do see my aura and it is all around me, always...despite what i might think. have a room in my house just for wrapping gifts, and everything that comes with it, because i absolutely adore everything that has to do with holidays and the presentation of a gift, it is almost half the present! show my relationships the love, care, and appreciation today...because i know tomorrow is never guaranteed. rest assured because people will not have to question me, they will just know. live my life knowing that what happens was never up to me in the first place. love the only way i know how, but without worrying about the consequences. capture your heart and know i have it for sure. inspire others to know their purpose...it is so freeing when you do. have my day, i can feel it. realize that even though i'm not beauty queen, it's ok because i'm still beautiful me. win a golf tournament. know that what others say is true...but i realize it more everyday. know that you hear my soul speak, and I will see that you realize it.

today i...

took my own advice. realized i don't have to prove myself to anyone...i am stunning as is. finally let go of a past relationship, knowing that i taught him how to love, and he gave me a reason to live for myself. let myself become a better lover. had the opportunity to impact a soul, that i thought to be untouchable. stood up for what i believe in, and took the criticism that came along with it, and i survived. smiled without thinking. stood back, took time, and watched my amazing life in all it's glory. admitted i am blessed beyond measure. planted a seed in a soul, and can't wait to see it grow. watched someone fall in love. shared my story with someone, and with that, put a smile on their face. had someone believe in me. experienced the love of a true friend, who ultimately is someone who watches over me. received the compliment of a lifetime...which in turn reconfirmed my place in this world. faced the idea of letting go. see that the path is becoming clearer. experienced a love that until now, was unknown to my heart. saw my future. am trying something brand spankin new! firmly believing that without experiencing the bad...we wouldn't know just how good, good really is. sucked it up, and lived a little without over analyzing. did it, finally achieved the first one of the many impossibles in life... realized my next impossible to make possible had been staring smack in the face. used one of my true gifts...and was left in awe. was broken down again...after all that i did...but left things knowing it will only make me stronger than before. gained my strength back ten fold. grew leaps and bounds. saw myself in the eyes of others, in a way i'd never seen before. am as always,so very thankful for all of you. stood up 8. am thinking about how i used to define "making it" in the world by having a true hollywood story made after me...now if i touch one soul, change one life, inspire one person...i have made it. had to be the bigger person. was proud of a friend, like momma proud, a kind of proud i had never felt before...it changed my world. watched the Lord work in my life right before my very eyes. love you...i've loved you all along. had my spirits broken, or so i thought. am taking joy in every moment...because to have just one moment is pure joy. just know. am impressed, you never fail to amaze me. will stop complaining, because i am truly blessed, i also realized what would've been was a shame, and i hoped for more. had a first...and that is almost a first in itself. know exactly who i am, i just need to be comfortable with others knowing exactly who i am. just had a plain and simple fabulous day, the kind of day that makes you really just stop and enjoy life...a reminder of how good life really is. have to make a few big girl decisions...really big girl. had a conversation with the most amazing person...and saw them in a completely different light. am asking for it to hit home. absolutely positively know what life is all about, and i adore it! know one thing for sure...life is not about what you have, it is about what you have to give. will celebrate another birthday with family and friends...and i will see the meaning of age is just a number come to life. saw the most amazing family, and they weren't even related. got what was unexpected, and realized sometimes unexpected can be truly breathtaking. was asked a life changing question, and it felt good. got the excitement of living life again! will make a change...for the better. became one step closer to being comfortable in my own skin. must evaluate things. must decipher true happiness, or just plain want. saw doubt in me from someone else...yet again...but it only makes me a step closer to where i need to be. was told i was an inspiration, a personal hero...that means more to me than they will ever know. had a shoulder to lean on...even from tons of miles away...and it truly was one of the best shoulders i could've ever asked for. found another believer, without even saying a word. let self doubt get the best of me, in the worst way possible. am sure, even more than i was before. will not step down. met someone for the first time...but have known them forever. know who i am, i am sure of who i am, and you will not put doubt in my mind. am fearless. am lonely...truly lonely. am accomplished...i learned and gained a lot in one day. am very very content, more so than in a long time. got unexpected advice, and was blown away by what i learned, and couldn't be more happy that it was brought into my life. found out that i still have ALOT of living that i need to do. had something happen to me that i will never forget. got a message, one i have been waiting for for a long time. learned that someone admired me, when i am the one who should be admiring them. learned WAY more from failure and it's worth it. am wishing for the three that love me no matter what. left pride behind, and took a chance, and i was surprised. didn't do what i was supposed to do, but was pleasantly surprised. am rethinking a few things. will put it aside, and move on. came to a new place...for good. am planning for tomorrow, and it will be a new day. say you are no longer it. saw the day i'd never thought i would see. realized that some things i thought that were, weren't. smiled because of you...even though it only lasted a while...it was the kind of smile that came from the soul. was truly happy...even if it was just for a brief while, it was true happiness. saw myself....better than ever. felt you made me visit things i would've rather not...but it only made me thrive. need more from you, and i will from now on. know that sometimes you just gotta have faith, true,genuine faith. am doing some good in the world...putting that positive vibe out there. have no words. doing what I do best, with a smile on my face. know when everything falls apart, you're the only hope for this heart. am accepting hardships as the pathways to peace. am damaged at best. try my best to stay guarded, but am an open book instead. shot, and it was dead on, right through your heart...and now i sit and think maybe it's more than that. talked with someone from my past, and realized maybe i was wrong. know that even the greatest of survivors get tired of having to survive. am carrying a cross, and it's okay because God will not give me a cross i cannot carry. saw my prayers get answered...without even uttering a single word. am letting go, i did all i could and it was not meant to be at this time...everything happens for a reason. know that the more you give, the more you possess. know that i don't need easy, i just need possible. saved a life...which in turn saved mine. am ever surviving. wondering when you will learn. asked for my sign, got it...and there it was. know that it's rare to meet someone and have your wold changed just because of that one encounter, but if it happens to you, you do everything in your power to keep them there because the loss could be damaging. know that there is much to be said about the courage it takes to go after what you want...for it is often seen as a sign of weakness for those that don't, for their reward will be the plague of ever wondering if they will be eternally missing out and knowing they settled out of fear. know that you should never give something up that you can't go a day without thinking about it. was called doc and it felt good. only miss you when i'm breathing. am giving up control, because the control was never mine to begin with. know that you will be back...and it will be the last time. love you...like deep rooted in my heart and soul love you. have thoughts that i never had before. know you don't own my soul anymore, and you never will again...it's on my terms from now on. realized i always thought you were the one that got away, but really i a the one that got away...and I always will be. have exceeded the wildest dreams, and conquered some of my goals that were said to be impossible. saw the unexpected come around again. and then the unexpected became the typical....to be continued. i got asked for my autograph...to be put next to the greats, only hope the greatness rubs off on me. am on the upslope I can feel it...all the things I want will come to me I can feel it in my bones. i've loved you for a 1000 years and i will love you for 1000 more